At this point I’ve had plenty of experiences, I’m really starting to get burned out on all of this tripping and cleansing and tripping and cleansing.
This self medication regimen has plenty of draw backs.
Ultimately, I experienced a lot of distraction. A lot of spaciness as a result afterwards. One of my primary goals was to seek out and uncover my creativity. I was aware that all of these psychological blocks which existed in this mind had caused the experience of limitations. I understand that utilizing these substances gets you freer from the patterns and loops of the every day monotonous thought.
In a lot of ways I experienced great leaps and bounds forward in progress, and the yoga practice and meditation was not the primary source of the breakthroughs in awareness and in my life. There is this underlying, vague experience of inauthenticity which tags along with all of my speech is what I experience when I’m getting to the ‘sharing’ part of the yoga teaching. There was a large focus on ‘sharing’ your experience of transformation. Lots of teachers would share their personal stuff in class. “I used to always avoid talking to people at the coffee shop. One day I was feeling awesome after a yoga practice, and I went up and talked to some random guy, turns out he works in the same field as me and his new firm is hiring. My courage opened a new career path! Try something you ‘never do’ in your yoga practice today!”
Generally, I never shared much in classes. I just presented myself with high energy and intensity and did all I was capable of doing to calm the mind and keep myself fully present, to draw my energy into the space of the yoga room, and simply pay attention to my students. The whole yoga teaching experience felt rather awkward most of the time in my first year. I always felt like I would arrive at a sticking point and going on a nice little trip would unstuck myself right away. This is not a sustainable path. I didn’t perceive really any of my transformation as a result directly of my studies and yoga practice.
This is a vital awareness that I took away from the experience. I truly wanted to seek the transformation and growth and benefits in my life without imbibing potentially hazardous unknown blotter tabs, pills, powders or mushrooms.
In all honesty it was a bit of a placeholder. I was never committed to my studies and I didn’t know what I truly wanted of myself or this life. Most all of my time from 2010 to about 2015 I’d say, has been spent seeking to understand myself, my skills, abilities, and what really makes me tick. What excites me to be in the world? Do I have a purpose, or a mission? Legacy? What’s that?
My time in New Mexico was exceedingly sober. These next chapters of my memories are more concise and more thought through.