Round 2 she comes over, we smoke together, I had a shot, too cowardly, didn’t make a move, s a d b o y s for life. *cue yung lean kyoto*
Round 3 we’re at another teacher’s wedding, with all these teachers, having drinks, hanging out.
[god damn I learned how to be numb from my mom, so numb when I’m about to feel, then I’m afraid to pop like that bottle of champaigne shaken in a paint mixer.]
We even go to the photo booth together, she holds my head looks me in the eyes before the last picture, AND I FREEZE.
If there’s one moment that made it close to the regret book, that’s close. I choose to leave those pages blank. I’ve had close shots, I put those in the deep lesson book. This is one of those deep lessons of my shitty shameful hesitation.
We go outside and light up a bowl together, which just adds to my hesitation- I get distant and reclusive when I smoke so moves aren’t happening- especially when she says ‘i love you’ and I reply ‘i love you too’, I still don’t make a move.
I’m shaking my head as I write this because I’m seeing all of the signs. Hindsight is 20:20, thanks dad.
Looking at it all right now, I just see how in so many ways I was not prepared for these relationships that I thought I wanted and needed so badly. I just didn’t have the communication skills or the courage, or the steadiness at the time to express my heart without backing down and wavering.
Its not that I didn’t have plenty of opportunities to have girlfriends etc, I just had such high mental standards that kept me from engaging because I made a story about “kissing a 5 is a low thing”. Dad set the bar high and boy was I worried about looking good for him. Even now as his caregiver I don’t bring around my tinder hookup because I don’t want to risk him seeing her and judging the shit out of her. That’s a whole ‘nother bag I unraveled a week or so ago, but these are 4year flash forward spoilers. Keep reading.