I hope you realize this is about you and laugh your ass off because no way in hell I’m saying this to your face its so embarrassing god damn. To the rest of the internet world, enjoy this snippet of around ANOTHER one I fucked up and let get away.
I got a batch of shrooms, split it with this other teacher, her 2 bffs, and myself, then we chill out in the basement with music playing etc and friends, we are all having a great time together with my roommate DJing for us and on the boom box.
Once he left, it was just us, and we go all hive mind. I start freaking out, can’t work the phone to call them a cab, go upstairs to get water, start thinking of all these loving things to say to my crush, have this wonderful time daydreaming these beautiful things in my head that make me want to cry, how I love her and appreciate her so much and on and on.
When I go back downstairs, I choke and keep myself from communicating it and get all anxious and don’t know what to do or say and feel awkward and weird and bottle up acting like I always do, as if it’s wrong to express loving feelings towards these girls I think so fondly of and protect my heart. This time its worse because its so exaggerated. It gets to a point where I’m having a hard time of it, get super anxious, leave them ’cause I want to avoid the situation and go to sleep, cant sleep.
I remember going upstairs being super anxious and doing that back bend thing babies do and visualizing myself trapped inside the geometric shape of a perfect spiral, bending beyond what my normal flexibility is and being super nervous.
I remember having this experience of resisting saying what I wanted to say, then imagining being trapped inside of a dream, thinking I needed to break out of it or wake up and I have no idea how it came across, (later that week I got a call from her saying she could tell I was having a really hard time, and just a bad trip, i love you i love you i love you. That meant a lot and helped, I still felt like a fool for not saying what I felt, which was i love you i love you i love you dont move to boston sad sad face 😦 )
One moment: super awkward moment: I was feeling super awkward, having a difficult time expressing myself, making super weird noises and walking upstairs.
I soon after see them out, ’cause I didn’t want to be the awkward buzz kill weirdo who couldn’t organize the hive mind to get up and walk outside in the amazing grass or something.
So this is the night before she teaches her last class. She later tells me she was still tripping while teaching, and she got this feedback of teaching the best class she’s ever taught, and being like ‘oh my god I felt like I was walking on clouds.’
Moral of the story, be ready to say whatever is on your mind and heart that you’ve hesitated to say to the people you’re with. It gets awkward if you don’t and you will just cause more drama and stressful memories to process later with all that yoga you do. Because you probably should be doing yoga if you’re stressing yourself out so hard.