Time blurs here. I found myself caught up in this just circular grind of wake at 8, work by 9, work until 4:30, teach or practice yoga, or both, smoke myself to sleep. No late night Fridays because I would get up 9am Saturdays, take the yoga class of the owner of that studio, go home, do 45 mins of pranayama, eat lunch, go back to teach at 4:30, then go home and chill, probably take the 9:30 class the next day.
Basically, I didn’t do shit for fun for myself. I just eat sleep work yoga repeat. No games even. This was a huge accomplishment for me, I had zero time allotted to gaming.
I would go to workshops or a training, or assist training programs at the studio. I practiced with Sean Corn, Shiva Rea, signed up for level 2 with Baron again, If I didn’t do those things, I was probably tripping on some weekend and experiencing something shift in perception.
I had gotten into the yoga just to get a girlfriend, and now I’m lost in this shit storm of growth, development, transformation, energy healing, tripping hard, smoking every night, open to closed to open to closed over and over. It was like i was addicted to the cleanse and used the bliss of unconsciousness to lul my worries away.
At some point in here I did some K with the roommate here and there, and I found some profound meditation experiences with that. It’s a sedative, so all of the body aches and subtle tensions are no longer obstacles. Since the physical mirrors to the energetic, it allows for deeper experience in meditation. I could see how the mind was acting like this home alone booby trap x1000 to keep myself from experiencing a higher state. As soon as I would get to a height, the mind would get afraid and smack me back down into a loop of reasons justifications assessments memories etc.
It was much worse back then, and it still persists to a degree now, I tend to avoid telling girls who I’m into, how I truly feel, and doubt the subtle signals they send, which may not be so subtle after all, I just deny myself into a hole out of fear of actually getting what I want, and it has held me back quite a bit.
I found myself in a situation where I was talking with this other girl from my teacher training at my place on the couch and her whole aura body energy lit up and was illuminated. I was in awe, she looked so glorious and beautiful. Looking back I’m pretty sure she was into me, and I just doubted the shit out of the situation, seeing myself as a goof weirdo not possible not gonna’ happen. (QUITE THE CONTRAST from the usual egoic self talk ‘I’m so good looking, I’m awesome, beautiful) I get lots of older women telling me these things a lot of the time.
It’s like the older women are more comfortable saying those things to me because they experience themselves as totally disqualified from engaging with me intimately or romantically (when I totally dig older women, cougars where you at?!? There’s fresh meat over here, come feast holy shit I’m dying over here)
That’s totally a peave, ’cause if I call them on it they shoot me down. BAM that dreaded rejection sensation. My greatest fear right? My new strategy is to learn to love that feeling, embrace the experience of knowing I gave it a shot.
I watched some video on the top 10 mistakes guys make with women, one of the points was ‘Letting the girl know you want to fuck her’ was one of them. That’s totally my weak point- it’s like I don’t want to reveal what my actual intention is because I’m embarrassed that I totally want to have fun and fuck because I’m making shitty attempts at being honorable and just resenting myself for being a bitch and sustain my cycle of loneliness.
More about how I fuck up my super crush and the spiritual lesson I justify around the situation to feel good about myself in next post.