I’m pecking away at my teaching grind, I’m working at the IT company hard. I had a guy who was a drug dealer who became my roommate by a very passive move, our friend roommate got this guy in with us, and it worked out for a while.
He had the hookup for whatever you wanted or needed. He had the constant flow of buds so we just had to throw him 20-50 and we would be set for as long as we needed, or even better, he would just offer us hits from time to time. I being a lightweight, would not need much at all.
He came back from somewhere with some acid. I got a bunch. Saved it for a while, and took it one night with my roommate friend.
I had the book Be Here Now, by Ram Dass. This was my second time taking it. I figured I would read the book while I was doing it, friend up in NYC had said he read it with a whole circle of people who took it together.
I felt many things. This was a very very intense experience. Much of it I cannot quite put into words. I’ll do the best I can to recount the hi-lights.
I remember sitting in my bedroom on the floor looking at my computer screen when it had really started to kick in. There was a Glitch Mob album cover for the album Drink The Sea. Its that 19.5 degree triangle with 2 circles overlapping. I remember looking at that image, and graying out, I lost vision for a moment and gently flopped over to the side. It was like everything turned to static.
All of the words of all of the music felt like it was talking directly to me, like someone or something wrote that thing and played it at that specific moment in time to deliver a message to me at that very moment in order to communicate a very specific point in order to guide me further in some direction. I’m always weary of these experiences because I have yet to ever discern where or who these directions were coming from.
With my friend who dosed with me, I began to experience what I thought was telepathic communication, looking back it totally was. I was in disbelief, I didn’t any of the communication any value at first. This persisted through the experience.
I recall walking downstairs, then standing in the place where my kitchen met the family room. I experienced seeing both the vision through my eyes, and visualization of this grid which all of reality resides. I could see myself standing in place, yet moving and slipping. I said to my friend that I was really feeling this slipping through dimensions experience. I had found myself flipping in and out of the pages of that book. There was a page that said “You are a completely determined being” and the glowing letters emitted from the pages. I found myself entranced and elated as well as fearful. I had no clue what to think or how to process it, it was too much.
I felt like I was getting this bitch slap to the ego left and right. I remember sitting staring at this chandelier in the dining room turned den with couches and tables, the whole thing started glowing brightly, I thought I was gazing at the edge of the universe, and the center of the light was this gray static. I remember sitting on the floor later opening the book up to a page and it mentioned something like ‘it starts to get old’ and I got all offended, confused. Was I just being egoic? I thought I was free of that, or getting free of it. I don’t remember what I was thinking on at that point.
I remember thinking about writing music, and the words in my head poetically coming together with this lovely music I envisioned myself playing or singing with. I wanted to record or write it down, but I couldn’t at the moment, I didn’t posess the techicnal skills nor did I have the wits about me to write down anything on paper.
I remember thinking to myself about pot, and how I saw it was holding my energy back. I had said to myself that there is absolutely no reason to keep doing something that is limiting my potential in any way.
I often observe this negative self talk, its a mesh and jargon of all the bullying I experienced as a younger person. Its this mix of gay as hell, bitch, pussy, faggot, gay bitch negative voice that pops up in my everyday life many times. This sort of residual conditioning. I would get these responses when I would express myself in a pure way. that pure expression got stuffed down as I was younger. These imprinted lies didn’t come up during my trip. They have never come up during any of my trips. I’ve been conditioned to question and double check my sexuality, because that was always a target point that bullies, or that hypermasculine talk would impose. Its become a habit of mine now to be concerned about. I have never questioned my heterosexuality while tripping. This ‘gay as hell’ voice comes up in times of doubt.
Our dealer roommate had started telepathic communication with me, telling me that this was a new way to look at time, like a telescope. Like some sort of new technology. He showed me this video of how children in hospitals are shown videos of color, like the beings are being programmed and indoctrinated with this variety of conditioning in order to operate in the world. I had realized that he was very experienced with this substance, and was divulging his secrets and sharing with me great insights.
I was sitting on the couch communicating to my friend wondering ‘why would anyone want to do this?!’ he replied saying ‘to get a break from reality, what else?’
It was that moment I realized that this reality actually isn’t something I seek to get a break from. There are uncomfortable experiences within it that stress me, and I may say at a given time ‘fuck this, I cant stand to be here, or do this, I don’t want to feel this way’, but when I’m having a hard time, taking a dose of acid is the last thing I’m interested in. Maybe if I feel like making an album or two, I now know that I can access this place through this substance, but its really not for me is one lesson I learned.