I guess I’ll just pose this as a general self inquiry to summarize my time spent in New Mexico.
It seems I was out there out of a doubt. I doubted that I could make enough money and a living for myself by just teaching Yoga and practicing Reiki (which at the time I didn’t have much faith in)
I felt absolutely defeated while I spent my time at the IT company I worked for, running computers around, experiencing a toxic environment which I had to persistently work at making a more positive place, and just feeling drained and unrewarded by my boss who refused to give me a raise, and gave me no information or indication of what path to take in order to become more valuable and accredited to serve the company.
Would I have been happy if I were just getting paid some more? Or if I had health insurance covered by the company I was working full time for? Was it just my own lack of resourcefulness at the time which kept me from tapping into the possibilities around me? Maybe it was that my coping mechanism was to get stoned into the stratosphere before meditating and going to bed, and that wasn’t sustainable whatsoever.
Eating a lot of ice cream doesn’t make you feel better.
Then consuming psychedelics to penetrate to the depths of my awareness, and see how I reflected upon the surrounding world through the lens which I believed to be my higher self which comes through in those states of consciousness. I would get relief from these limiting beliefs which boxed me into paralysis.
The bottom line is, I’m still yet to crack the code on this rubik’s cube of this self. No matter how much people tell me how great I am, how much more information, how many more skills and experience I gain, I still have this underlying self doubt which I cannot seem to get away from yet.
The context in which I default back to once I’m sober and alone is one of sheer disempowerment. Landmark says that in itself is being out of integrity. The way to break through that is to set a target, make a declaration, and take an action towards that target goal. So what’s nice for me is that creating, being an artist, and discovering inspiration has always been a goal of mine, so making this blog is quite good for satisfying that.
I keep this thing anonymous for the time being because I want to curb any shame that might be reflected upon my teacher who trained me. I suppose none of this is with any negative intention, so that wouldn’t bother him. Maybe the fuck fuck shit fuck’s of the blog might?
Fuck it all.
I’m just in this awkward spot where I’ve just started to uncover my capabilities as a spirit communicator, or a medium, through yogic lifestyle, and now I’m in that fresh early starting point where I don’t feel confident enough to just do straight up readings, and that’s what I want to just do. So it looks like for the meantime I’ll be doing astrological consultations and see where that goes.
I’ll tell the story of my first party in new mexico where I drank a pot tincture, got lost and this dude intimidated me with his pitbull to make me give him gas money…next blog post, happy sunday